IQ EXAMS

Proverbial "IQ Exams" can’t accurately measure intelligence. Instead, they only measure one's preexisting knowledge of a finite set of questions. Ergo, one could argue that IQ Exams are a politicized artifice used to deny or grant certain individuals access to information, education, and knowledge.  Yet, to facilitate our members’ understanding of this unorthodox pedagogy, VICE proffers several “IQ Exams”, which are tantamount to Intelligent Questions we encourage everyone to answer. Sample Questions:

According to your moral compass, which of the following are virtues rather than vices?

1. Smoking cigarettes or marijuana with your friends after school.

2. Smoking crack or snorting cocaine with your friends at a party.

3. Homosexuality, lesbianism, and gay marriages.

4. Heterosexual perversion, a/k/a/ trading places, bend over boyfriend, or B.O.B.

5. Fornication in high school, promiscuity in the military or in college.

6. Masturbation, sublimation, celibacy, or virginity until marriage.

7. Incest with your older sibling, cousin, or other relative.

8. Kicking it on the DL with a football, track, or basketball teammate.

9. Kicking it on the DL with a coach, teacher, or another adult for money.

10. A junior having a bastard by a coach, a teacher, or another adult.

11. A senior not doing homework or cheating on an exam.

12. Skipping school to drink beer, get high, or to have sex. 

13. Stealing and robbing rather than working for it or doing without it.

14. Studying the Holy Bible, Quran, or Torah at school during lunch time and recess.

15. A freshman engaged in battery, fighting or other violence at school.

16. A junior bringing a firearm or other weapon to school with the intent to kill.

17. A sophomore bullying another student at school or off campus after school.

18. Being a follower to avoid being called a “faggot”, “chicken”, “wimp”, or a “punk”.

19. Being by yourself rather than giving in to peer pressure or the crowd.

20. Bearing the fruits of God’s Holy Spirit so that others can see Him in you.

ANSWERS: Only # 6, 14, 19 and 20 are virtues. How well did you do?

According to your moral compass, indicate whether the following are True or False:

A righteous man will teach his students God’s Creation rather than evolution.

A righteous man will not teach his students the Bible in order to keep his job.

A righteous man will cash his check, play lotto and otherwise gamble to support his family.

A righteous man will work hard and bring his paycheck home to support his family.

A righteous man will get drunk and beat his wife if she makes him angry.

A righteous man will love, honor, protect, and cherish his wife and children.

A righteous man will have a mistress for those times when his wife isn’t interested.

A righteous man will never cheat on his wife with another woman or man.

A righteous man will molest or seduce his own son, step-son, or nephew.

A righteous man will molest or seduce his own daughter, step-daughter, or niece.

A righteous man will attend his son’s or daughter’s gay marriage.

A righteous man will allow his gay son and his partner to spend the night.

A righteous man will not even break bread with his gay son and his partner.

A righteous man will leave a church if the pastor is a female.

A righteous man will gladly serve under a female pastor, elder, or bishop, etc.

A righteous man will remove his son from any church or synagogue teaching gender equality.

According to your moral compass, mark each virtue with an “O” and each vice with an “X”:

The Feminist Movement now opposes celibacy for single females.

The Feminist Movement now opposes virginity until marriage.

The Feminist Movement now supports gay and lesbian marriage.

The Feminist Movement now supports gays and lesbians in the military.

The Feminist Movement now supports gay and lesbian pastors and priests.

The Feminist Movement now supports gay and lesbian prison guards and police.

The Feminist Movement now supports gay and lesbian teachers and professors.

The Feminist Movement now supports gay and lesbian adoptions.

The Feminist Movement now supports bend over boyfriend, a/k/a trading places.

The Feminist Movement now supports the Psychological Penis Complex.

The Feminist Movement now supports the psychological castration of boys and teenage males.

After reading VICE’s textbook, answer the following comprehension questions:

What was one reason this Army dad was so candid about sex when his son, Junior, was 12?

What did Junior’s grandfather do to his own brother when they were teenage boys?

In high school, Junior's father participated in all of the following sports except which?

This athletic Army dad coached his twelve-year-old son’s little league team in which sport?

In this quintessential father son lesson in sex education, Junior had how many siblings?

Prior to candidly discussing masturbation, his father also asked Junior about what?

In this fictional father son dyad, which of the following sexual topics was not mentioned?

While dad lifted weights, why wasn’t the boy’s mother at home this particular Saturday morning?

As a horny teenager, how did this Army dad keep come stains out of his sheets at night?

Apparently, pederasts and child molesters on Army bases typically target which of the following?

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                                        JUNIOR’S PENIS PARABLE # IV

Three months after Junior's initial lesson in sex education, school was out and his dad arranged a camping trip to Yosemite with one of his buddies. Junior was one of three boys accompanied by their dads on this week-long trip. In their private tent, these three young musketeers watched DVDs, listened to music they had downloaded, played video games, and messed around late at night – i.e., your typical sword fights with their underwear still on, circle jerks, and strip poker, etc. Junior proudly taught his comrades for the week how to unload in a sock instead of in their underwear or in their sleeping bags. One night, the two brothers decided to play a practical joke on Junior. While he slept, they stealthily placed his hand in a pail of warm water, which naturally caused Junior to urinate all over himself and his sleeping bag! The next morning, while the two boys’ father laughed heartily, Junior’s dad was not amused. He had to wash the bag in a nearby stream. Then the Army dad popped the tailgate to his SUV and used it as a clothesline for drying his son’s sleeping bag. Although Junior never knew that such a prank could make anyone actually pee on himself, he was more amused than upset by the practical joke. Yet, determined to get even, Junior replaced chewing gum squares with a white, chewable laxative that looked almost identical to the gum. Rather than to try anything that day, especially since these brothers cautiously were on the defensive against retaliation, Junior waited until they all were settled in their tent for the night to implement his scheme. The boys all joked about how much fun they had earlier in the day while playing video games on their individual hand-held gadgets. Junior pulled out his gum and started chewing it without making a big deal about it. When the fifteen-year-old demanded to know why he wasn’t sharing, Junior said he only had enough to last for himself for the rest of their camping trip. Well, that trap played out perfectly as the older teenager snatched the “gum” out of Junior’s hand and helped himself to four of the white chewable laxatives! For a while, everything seemed normal as the three musketeers continued playing their video games. In about fifteen minutes, however, Junior’s victim had to dash out of the tent in only his underwear to find a tree – posthaste! In his haste, he forgot to bring the needed toilet paper and yelled back toward the camp for assistance. In response to the commotion, both Army officers got up quickly to investigate and ultimately had the younger brother deliver the “t.p.” to the musketeer stranded by a tree. After getting to the bottom of the matter, both men congratulated Junior for executing such a brilliant scheme to settle the score!

Having hugged the three boys good night and having insured that they were settled in, these Army officers returned to their tent to resume more horseplay and male bonding of their own. Beyond small talk about Monday night football and who may win the Super Bowl, these close pals discussed marriage, divorce, college funds for their sons, the savagery of US torture and occupation in Iraq, their plans after retirement, etc. Both men planned to stay in touch and to start consulting firms once they returned to civilian life. Junior’s father definitely had become closer to this particular officer than to any of his fraternity brothers. Unlike his frat brothers or most of the jocks he had known most of his life, this pal didn’t drink or smoke. Although they didn’t attend church, both officers studied the Bible and tried to be good role models. These dads also liked football, working out together, and spending quality time with their sons. More importantly, however, both fathers and Army buddies mutually were cognizant of the toughness and the tenderness requisite to being a “real man” without hiding behind any homophobic fig leaf or false bravado. In the context of becoming better fathers, mentors, brothers, sons, coaches, etc., they often removed their fig leaves in order to expose and to explore the A’s and F’s on their respective report cards. As career officers, both men lamented how the Army had changed since they first enlisted, particularly in terms of how subversive feminism had become to male authority and to male bonding. As former Eagle Scouts, both men appreciated the Boy Scouts of America’s refusal to acquiesce to political pressure and lawsuits from atheists, feminists, the ACLU, and homosexuals. In a nation wherein “In God We Trust” has become a mere creed on the money upon which it is printed, Boy Scouts is among an exiguous and ever-diminishing number of Biblically correct youth organizations! Before turning in, these Army buddies mutually decided to wrestle to determine which one would need to rise at 05:30 to cook breakfast while the winner could sleep until 07:00. After Junior’s father lost a very close match to his slightly bigger and stronger opponent, the exhausted pals undressed and crawled into their sleeping bags for some shuteye. Just as Junior’s dad was about to fall asleep, his buddy ambushed him and called him an enemy combatant. He quickly tied his prisoner’s hands, stripped him naked by removing his underwear, and tied a shirt over the terrorist’s head so that he couldn’t see. Pretending to be a GI at Camp Delta, this officer jokingly roughed up his captured terrorist or “sand nigger”, as Uncle Sam preferred that they be called! Then he poured a canteen of water over his face, emulating the inhumane practice of water boarding that was common under former Pres. Bush’s Administration. Once untied, Junior’s dad grabbed his attacker, wrestled him to the ground, and ripped his underwear apart until both men now lay naked in their tent. Albeit both men laughed about this practical joke mocking the treatment of Iraqi citizens, unofficially they considered such treatment as war crimes. Jokingly, they grabbed each other’s legs, buttocks, and flaccid penises while assuming various sexual positions imposed upon prisoners at Guantanamo Bay while speculating that their sons probably were messing around in the adjacent tent – just as they had done at that age. On many levels, their Platonic love was akin to the ineffable friendship and bond in the Old Testament between Saul’s son [I Samuel 18:1 - 30] and the future Jewish king, David. Having outgrown their sons’ pubescent need to mess around, these fathers merely spooned that night as they compared notes regarding marriage, the father son dyad, the “talk” they had with their respective dads about the birds and the bees, the first time they had coitus, etc. Devoid of any homosexual lust to lick or to stick each other, both mature fathers fully appreciated a homophilic friendship wherein to express such undefiled intimacy rarely experienced in military or civilian life. Surprisingly, as their candid conversation continued, Junior's dad discovered that both of their fathers had molested a relative many years ago. Removing his fig leaf, he candidly shared how his father was four years older than Uncle Jake and often forced him to perform fellatio when their parents were in church. Quietly sobbing as he revealed his own family secret for the first time, Junior's dad realized that it was his best friend who had been molested by his own father! As a boy, when he told his mother what Dad had done to him, she said it was “ok” and warned him never to tell anyone about it – otherwise, he could get daddy in a lot of trouble. Thus, for nearly thirty years, that’s exactly what this loyal son did – until now. As an eighth grader, Junior’s Dad had a similar experience when he participated in a ritual “sex train” after getting paddled by the seniors on his high school team. As a handsome initiate, Junior’s dad was sodomized again in the early 1980’s when such hazing still was common among horny fraternity brothers and their pledges! Yet, he didn’t want to disclose any of his fraternity’s secret virility rituals. Without responding verbally to such a revelation, Junior’s dad pulled his weeping buddy closer, repeatedly kissed the back of his neck, and massaged his shoulders, arms, and chest until they fell asleep spooning. Later that night, Junior’s dad could not help feeling the warm, erotic sensation of his erection resting between his best friend’s naked butt cheeks. His friend reached behind him and grabbed this rock hard [dick tracy – tracy] and joked, “Hey, what’s this; a pistol or a lance you have pointed at my back?” Hunching his hips as his hard penis throbbed in his buddy’s hand, Junior’s dad retorted, “That’s a loaded AK47 to make sure my prisoner doesn’t try to escape. So, you’d better not make any sudden moves or I’ll be forced to shoot you in your booty!” Both men laughed heartily and bucked their hips several times. This m4m moment was reminiscent of a forgotten weekend almost twenty years ago in basic training. This young and virile white GI had been drinking, chasing girls, and carousing in town with a buddy until well past midnight. Yet, they ended up at their cheap hotel wasted and without female companionship. Succinctly, despite his having made a Dirk Yates adult video a year later, this was the only guy, other than his father, whose dipstick ever had checked his oil. The following morning, however, neither soldier said a word about it – as if it never happened. Like countless PFC’s before them, they showered, got dressed, and ate breakfast at the nearby truck stop before returning to their Army base. Despite these homosexual experiences in the past, both Army officers and fathers considered themselves to be totally heterosexual or straight. Yet, during this rare nurturing moment of intimacy, neither soldier attempted to separate their naked, intertwined bodies as they fell asleep once again. In what seemed to have been no time at all, it was 05:30; but Junior’s dad didn’t bother getting up. Instead, he held his sleeping comrade close in his arms until 07:00 when both men quickly dressed and started the fire needed to prepare breakfast for their sons.

On a different night, instead of their usual sword fights, the horny fifteen-year-old wanted to play a new game, "Hot Dogs and Buns", wherein one guy would lie naked on his stomach while his partner got on top and humped his hot dog until he shot a load of come between his buddy’s buns. They all thought it would be cool to fool around completely naked; so this game went well several times that night in their tent. The next night, these horny boys mutually decided to replay the hot dog game since they enjoyed seeing their come on each other's butt cheeks before wiping it off. This time, however, the fifteen-year-old produced a bottle of lotion to make it feel even better to the guy humping on top. They all took turns being on top and on the bottom during their homoerotic horseplay. Then the oldest lad propositioned Junior about letting him penetrate him anally – akin to what he already had done to his younger brother at home! The thirteen-year-old brother also tried to entice Junior into doing it by saying it felt good – once you get past the first time. However, Junior steadfastly refused the two brothers, recalling that his father considered sodomy as one of the “hard, hard, core” things he never was to let another guy do to him when messing around at night! In this context, was this military father's demonstration of masturbation tantamount to child molestation, incest, or a deterrent that prevented Junior from being intimidated or pressured into anal sex by two older teenagers? Explain.

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